Being with what is
How did it take me so long? I am long familiar with Byron Katie and her words have chimed around me for years. But I have always been too busy trying to fix, heal, change, resolve, release negative patterns, beliefs and relieve my pain to have really listened. For so long I felt I had to "Do" something about my limitations, I had to be stronger, more disciplined, more aware and more vigilant. While I do know that daily practice, awareness and good level of vigilance to our thoughts are key to maintaining a well-balanced life, I was using these are rules, chores and ways to "make" something change.
For so long I was so hard on myself, to the point where it almost killed me. And as a result I was hard on everyone around me. Super judgemental, super fierce in my need to make people see where they were falling short. It was a hard edge that kept me disconnected, and caused destruction that stole time from people I loved most.
But finally, I guess through pure exhaustion and despair, I just gave in. I allowed it all, the whole dam mess of who I am. And after a few breaths a very quiet whisper of love spoke to me, a gentle caress of warmth moved through my body, and with soft tenderness I began to feel my energy alchemise into a beautiful, flow of love. It moved all the way through, filled my cells, filled my senses and as I breathed into it, it expanded and expanded and expanded. I could weep remembering it.
This gift of love, that heals, transforms, includes and is always present and available for us. This is the magic pill. This is the answer we have been seeking.
And since then, I have continued in each moment that I can to come back to this. Old habits die hard, and I get caught up, a lot, in the busy, mess of my mind. But each time I allow it all to be as it is, I feel my breath deepen, and something softens. That flow returns and I can step forward, allowing the wisdom of this loving essence to guide me.
Now I can accept the imperfection of life, the bumps in the road, the bad reactions, the annoying nuances, the complications of some days. I breathe, I include it all, and I truly do now allow the flow of life to move and guide me.
The answer is always right here. We are carried in the hands of divine love, always, if only we trust.