“OMG Mum” (eyeroll) ....We are fully in tween time.
I knew the day was coming. The social media clock has been tik toking. Some of my daughter’s friends - 8 and 9 yr olds (OMG) - have phones. There are group “calls” on messenger kids. Then there is the sass, the tude, the make up and skin care and “OMG Mum” eye rolls. We are fully in tween time.
I have also heard some of my daughter's friends saying things like… I’ve got .. likes, that is going viral.. 8 and 9 year olds (I Know I am repeating that).
And I have been like a sitting duck. I knew I was a firm no for any social media. (I’ve been uncomfortable enough with you tube). I knew this moment was not going to be pretty.
I was at work and a messenger kids message comes up.. “Mum, can I get tiktok?” ( I know. Was she unsupervised on an ipad? Probably. We are all imperfect parents)
And I responded.
And the emotional tsunami began
You have ruined my life.
You don’t know what it’s like.
Everyone has got it.
I am so left out.
I have tried to talk about other things but everyone just keeps going on about tiktok.
If you loved me, you would let me have it.
This went on... and on...and on.
I turned myself inside out trying ways to get her to see why I was saying no. But nothing was landing.
- My daughter thought I didn’t understand how much it was affecting her. And she couldn’t understand how I was trying to protect her. We were in a gridlock.
And then a set of circumstances changed it all. I came across a reel ( I know the irony) of a young woman, maybe about 17, who was on video in an interview saying she and her friends all wish their parents had given them more restrictions around phones and social media.. They didn’t realise the damage this platform would do to their self-esteem, confidence, self-worth and sense of value.
And I posted it to my story - because in the back of my mind, if I am honest, I was completely baffled by the fact that parents were allowing their daughters of this age to be on social media. . Did they really not realise the dangerous slippery slope this is for girls especially? If they did, surely they would be letting their kids near it.
So I thought this reel might drop a subtle hint, and maybe I would get a bite…from someone out there in the parents of tweendom universe. Not only did I get a bite, I got THE bite. MY daughter’s best friend’s Mum got in touch straight away. She’d been struggling too. Her daughter had downloaded TikTok through a friend and she felt overwhelmed and unsure how to backpedal.
So we took a united front. We both spoke to our girls about the reasons we didn’t want them on it. And astonishingly, both girls quickly agreed. I actually think they may have been relieved.
It was somehow fortunate that there was a very unfortunate incident at the local school - that week - with some boys and photos of a girl, which led to suspensions, and police involvement. This scared the girls which helped.
And then, it all stopped. Koko said she understood. And there has not been another word about it.
Her brother did snitch and said had it installed on the ipad so I asked her about that. She said she had done it months ago and then taken it off when I had said no. Truth. I checked.
So, love and peace has been restored in the family home.. For now.
But it’s got me thinking, a LOT!
This video reel of the teenage girl is not a new story. In my media teaching role, my Year 9 girls often choose social media as an issue for their documentary projects. More often than not they report the same thing - they wish they never had social media. They wish it didn’t exist.
Why is this the case? Here is a quick summary..
- Comparison- unrealistic images of girls, and what makes them valuable and attractive, ALWAYS leads them to believing that they are NOT ENOUGH.
- Pressure - to share content they are not comfortable with which can lead to all kinds of dangerous and risky predicaments
- Inappropriate content - It is unavoidable that at some point in time they are going to come across content that is disturbing or sensationalising risky or harmful behaviour. (Our 10 year old’s brains do not need exposure to that)
- Bullying - Comments and chats on posts can be soul destroying, socially devastating… and as we have seen, can lead to a tragic end.
We know the research. We know how deliberately addictive these platforms are. And we know the cost is way too high for our kids.
So, I of course the first step is to keep my daughter away from it for as long as I can.. But that really is only a bandaid. And as I do, I want to go deeper.
Social media is just a machine—one that processes the content we feed it. So what are the stories that we, as a culture, are feeding it?
If we are to look a little deeper, what are the messages WE are perpetuating, as a culture, as a collective?
This is where I have landed… into a deep well of inquiry.
What values and beliefs are we still, somehow, despite the pain, aligning with?
I am on a new quest - in fact it feels like it’s all the work I have done (and am doing) in my life rolled into these big questions and I am keen to find answers - and solutions - so that our children can grow up in a world that supports, encourages and celebrates all of who they are, and nurtures healthy, loving relationships of all kinds.
IDEAL??? I know,, I am an eternal optimist… I don’t really care if it feels too utopian to be true. I would rather die trying to create that, than accepting the status quo of old outdated, limiting and quite frankly dangerous ideals of how we as men and women, girls and boys need to behave to be accepted and belong.
So, if are you keen on this big idea too, keep following my blog here. I will be sharing everything I learn, discover, understand… and all the things that I try that work and don’t work along the way.
When my first son entered puberty I didn’t feel this afraid for him… things I will explore in another post. But my other 2 feel like a different story.
I am committed to rewriting the story. I want to give our kids every possible chance to live into a world that is loving, connected and really joyful and beautiful.
Join me?